I have endured so much. Does that sound dramatic or what?! Every day is a challenge with the repetition of questions, the confusion, the forgetfulness, and the delusions. I feel like I can roll with the flow pretty darn good. It’s been a learning experience, but I’ve learned to not try to reason with Bob or to change his mind. If he doesn’t want to eat, he doesn’t eat. If he wants cookies and M&M’s three meals a day, then that’s what he has. If he wonders who I am and why I am sleeping in his bed, I try to make a joke of how lucky he is to have such a beautiful woman sleeping next to him. If the tells me that he was on the Police Department for 502 years, I congratulate him for a long and happy career. If he wants to watch a Spanish infomercial and call it football, I don’t change the channel. If he wants to wear the same clothes three days in a row, I wait until he falls asleep and then I set out clean clothes for the next morning. If he wants to have my deceased parents over for dinner, I tell him that they are coming soon but not tonight. If I must remind him to put on his mask 100 times, I just do it.
But today I snapped. What was it that caused me to have a huge meltdown and end up crying out for God to help me? What was it? Bob wouldn’t brush his teeth. He claims he has never brushed them before, and he doesn’t know how to do it. Bob says the toothpaste doesn’t smell good and he doesn’t want to put it in his mouth. I dug through the cabinets and found three different types of toothpaste thinking one of them would be the one to spark an interest in brushing his teeth. Nope, none of them was want Bob wanted. So, he methodically and slowly shaved, showered, doused himself with aftershave, sprinkled powder everywhere, and put foot cream on his feet. But no, he didn’t brush his teeth. I know tomorrow he might but still today, he refused.
I did all the wrong things. Tried to reason. Tried to explain. Tired to use logic. Tried to appeal to his common sense. Raised my voice. Got in his face. Tried to convince him that I knew what I was talking about. Tried to convince him he was confused and mixed up. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
So now, I’ve climbed back down off of the ledge I was teetering on and I’m calmly thinking about today’s issue. You would think I would have learned by now that whatever Bob does and says is out of his control. It’s the disease’s fault and not Bob’s fault. Being upset with him is a waste of my energy and trying to reason, cajole, or persuade is a total waste of effort. Some lessons are hard to completely learn.
God knows what Bob needs and it is NOT brushing his teeth daily or fighting over brushing his teeth. Bob needs a loving kind wife who cares gently for him in difficult moments. Thanks for answering my prayer when I cried out.
Next time, God, I’ll remember to consult you first!
Bob with one "o" 
I know your posts are so serious and heartfelt…and you word them so there is a little comedy in them…but not funny, I know! GOD BLESS YOU!! I was with my mom taking her on two outings last week. On both outings my mom, who as more and more signs of dementia, was having some physical tremors (the Dr. says can be normal for her age)…a lady saw me caring for my mom and told me she was a caregiver and it is SO much harder to care for a mom than for others. That gave me some validity. I find myself getting frustrated with things she can’t control. I often think of you when with my mom…your blog helps more than you know. The other day she thought I maliciously stole something. I got really angry at first. Not only do I do SO much for my mom, but I have strong morals…I get her mail and check her email for spam, communicate with her Doctor, take her to most appointments, deep clean her refrigerator, some other cleaning, take her on outings, grocery shop for her and pay ALL her bills, I am on ALL her accounts etc….and she questioned my integrity!! Then I realized it’s part of the dementia…she lost something and she was trying to make sense of it…and since I am taking over more and more of her affairs, it makes sense she would blame me. And she is looking like a deer in the headlights when I try to make sense of some things, especially if it involves numbers or any bit of a complicated situation. Also, if she doesn’t like my explanations. She still can take her meds, cook, remember some things clearly, even recent things. She still lives rather independently with me handling all those things. She asked me if I thought she had Alzheimer’s, I assured her she did not at this point. I am trying to let her know we see her mind starting to go now while she can still understand the concept…and that her blaming me is part of the dementia. But in her mind, it is real…but she apologized profusely that she would think such a thing of me. She also comes up with stuff that’s not real to worry and sometimes panic over…that she wants to fix, but that could cause problems for me to fix her fixings…And she is starting to get mad when we talk of POA, which she set up decades ago. I am her POA, but when we talk about it she gets defensive and doesn’t want to give up control. We ask her why she set up a POA. She says for when she can’t make decision. We ask her if she finds she forget things and gets confused. She admits she does. Then we come back to POA and she is better. She asks what that will look like and I tell her basically it’s what it looks like now…but if she makes a big mistake, I can fix it, or not allow her to make a big mistake in regards to financial decisions etc. I’m afraid if we do all that too late, she won’t understand the concept and will get angry about it. We have talked about it a few times in hopes it is less scary for her when the time comes.
So, you are helping me and I’m sure I’m not alone! I hope you allow yourself be frustrated and angry at times. You are human and your plate is FULL!!!!
Please keep up the blogging!
And, I hope he brushes his teeth tonight!
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Once again you are an inspiration to me and a reminder to me tnat however many problems I may think I have they really dont exist you remind me that i need to count my blessings every day and be grateful for my many cherished friends and a loving family. Blessings to you and yours, stay strong and hang in their.
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God is with and I am in prayer for you… agape’. Joan
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Thank you sweet friend!!
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