Back in August of 2020 I wrote a blog about no longer making memories with my hubby but making moments. At the time, I thought I was coping just fine with the fact that I was no longer creating any memories with Bob. Well, I can tell you that I haven’t been coping very well. This living in the moment concept is hard. Darn hard.
Recently Bob’s short term memory has become even shorter. Maybe even non-existent at times. What happens on Monday is forgotten on Tuesday. What happens in the morning is forgotten by the afternoon. What happens at 8 am is forgotten by 9 am. It’s not all the time that this happens but it has become more often than not.
Bob loves to get out and go for a car ride or a walk. If we go somewhere in morning, he’ll wake up from an afternoon nap and ask me where we are going today. If I tell him that we are staying home because we went on an adventure already today in the morning, he looks at me in disappointment and disbelief. No memory of this morning’s moment remains!
Bob has been so eager to go back to church. Watching online just didn’t satisfy him plus he loves the time at church with family. And of course, he likes going out for a meal after church. It’s a time he really enjoys. So now we are attending church again. It’s been wonderful and I know Bob is enjoying it. But sadly, later in the day or the next day he will ask me when we are going to church. I point out to him that we did already go and he just blankly stares at me. He tells me that I might have gone but he didn’t and he tells me that he really wants to go. If I say we aren’t going because it Monday, he gets so mad that he missed church and that I didn’t take him. It makes me so sad that he can’t remember that we were just there. It’s also hard to deal with how mad he is at me for not taking him. I can even remind him of who went with us, where we sat, where we went to eat, what he had to eat, etc. and NONE of it rings a bell. It’s a moment that is gone.
We’ve had some nice times with family lately now that we are living our post vaccination life. Bob is so happy to be able to spend time with his kids/grandkids/great grandkids but by the time the next morning rolls around he is asking if we have plans to see any of his family. It’s heartbreaking to me that the memories are truly just moments that just quickly dissipate.
I understand this in my brain but not in my heart. I know that his short term memories are fleeting but to see just how quickly those moments disappear is so hard on my heart. I want to create moments for him that bring him happiness and joy. But I also want him to remember those moments. Even if its only for a short while. I am not ready for this stage of his disease.
I still feel that Bob benefits from being with his family and friends even if afterwards there is little or no memory of the time together. I think he has a good feeling of being loved and cared for and that’s important. For Bob and for me.
So living in the moment has become a very real thing. I need to stop thinking about how good it used to be. I need to savor today’s precious moments. I need to make today’s moments matter. No matter how fleeting and brief they are for Bob. Prayerfully, these moments will become memories that will last a lifetime for me.